Monday, October 24, 2016

Update on hair

After three days of short hair, this is what I've come up with.

Even though I've worked through not hiding from God, I still like the idea of hiding from people occasionally.

Long hair gave me security. It's feminine. People know me by my hair.

Some have walked passed me because they didn't recognize. Others are wide-eyed and compliment.

I'm not comfortable in my skin when I'm revealed. My hair was my cover.

My skin is not perfect, neither is my face but the distraction of an overabundance of curly hair allowed me to hide.

Who am I when I am striped?

Can I stand perfectly naked against the world, clothe in nothing but righteousness.

See me. Here I am. Like a newborn baby but reborn.

Judgement based on my heart and mind but not my clothes, hair, beauty.

Take it all!

Lord, take it all.

Leave me nothing but you.

Make me transparent.

Make me like you.

Friday, October 21, 2016


I got a haircut today.

A pixie. Not my first but definitely shorter than my norm.

I don't like it.

I was halfway through the cut before I remembered I had scheduled family pictures for Monday. I told myself and the hairdresser that it would be okay.

It's not okay.

She cut it and left it wet because that's what I normally do. I came home and took a shower and loaded up on product.

When it finally was like a helmet.

I know this but I did it anyway. I have very curly hair. It doesn't style like straight hair.


I normally can self-talk through most hair cuts but the looming family portrait in three days broke me.

I cried.

The only thing I can conclude on why I am so upset is the reminder of my kindergarten picture. My mother chopped my hair just before starting kindergarten. I thought I looked liked a boy. I hated it.

I also look old. There's no where to hide. I hate my curl this short. The list goes on.

I told myself to be strong; show your girls how to be strong no matter what you look like.

I can't.

I cancelled the pictures. I've been fat and skinny. Glasses and contacts. Dressed up and down. Nothing has affected me the way this has.

It's too close to my heart. It's the next hurdle to more freedom of my identity. Breaking my dependence on vanity.

It's taken years to come this far. I'm not there yet. But I've come so far.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

The humility of our own humanity

The divisional line drawn in us is the divine and human.
To carry the Spirit in us is a

It's easy to detest the human side.
The subtle reminders of pride and sin.
Occasional as we get closer to Jesus, possibly, but still intact.

Our humanity reminds us that we are not God.
In the 'human' moments, I hate I'm like I am.
But if I can calm down long enough to remember this is why I need Jesus, it makes for a humble place.
A place I can curl up in Daddy's lap and let him heal me.

To know there's more work to be done has become a norm.
It used to depress me.
The idea it will never be over was a forlorn thought.

Now, I go into fetal position and cry or scream or just be.

I might try to hide for a while but he is always there.

He always sees.

He always loves.

When I hide, my cave feels good for a while but like a true cave, we get hungry, thirsty and eager to see the sun.
I lick my wounds for a while, sometimes days or months.
Then, I see Him, in a song, in an article, in a Bible verse, and the tears flow.
I look back and I see He's never left.
Just waiting for me to reappear.

Satan will show us how to justify resentment or sin.
Today I was dealing with both.


When we break before God, though, we see how He loves us and how He loves the world.
We can't hold onto the resentment or the sin when Love intercepts.


We can choose to hang onto resentment and sin.

When we are ready to receive that Love, nothing can stand.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The muck

We're in wedding season.
The saddest, happiest, joyous, most excruciating adventure awaiting a large part of us in this world.

Attached to this is hope, expectations, emptiness, fullness.

The monogrammed towels every bride is hoping for is the highlight of the list. The focus is the china set. The wedding dress is on display for all to judge how she will step into her new role.

What we don't know about is the blood, sweat, tears, grit it will take to hang on.

The daily mess that ensues to hold it all together.

The children who start as wonderful, submissive, people-pleasing infants and toddlers turn into surly, snarly teenagers at times.

The heart that breaks over disagreements.

The grief over another day of not living the life you dreamed.

The feeling of being a second class citizen because of the sacrifices you've made for your family.

The lack of recognition.

The anger.

The hate.

The fear.

The love.

The passion.

The care.

All wrapped in one small beating rhythm that feels it might explode because of the range of emotions it keeps encompassed in its tiny walls.

The heart.

All choices to stay because of the commitment made to One.

Some days to decision to stay committed is higher than finding relief from the pain in running away.

This outweighs what towels will be in the guest bathroom or where to put the couch.

These commitments are heart wrenching at least and heart bursting at most.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Blurring the Lines

Sometimes the lines need to be blurred to have correction. We can't see the end yet because we're in the middle of the process.

The identity issues today appear to have negative connotations on society but I propose that in the end what was intended for evil will be good.

No, I don't want men using the bathroom next to my girls.
No, I don't want to worry about my four children growing up in a confused, sexually-charged society.

But, I have to believe that God has all this figured out.

We need a correction.
People are degraded, mishandled, abused.
We don't want to see it so we keep it under the Earth.

Out of this are the hurts that are protruding.
'See me. See my hurt disguised as displaying my false identity.'

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7

The lid is off. 
We are seeing the product of years of hurt and turning away. 
Not willing to look at the damage.
Now we have to see it.
We have no choice but to deal.

Love turns the tide.
Meet them.
Don't beat down an already downtrodden soul.
Get down on your knees and look them in the eye.
See them for what God made them to be.
Call out who they really are.

God sees the beginning, present and the end. 
His ways are not our ways.

Our job is to love.
To be filled with the same love that Jesus is filled with.
Love is the greatest weapon God gave the Earth.
Use it.
Ask for more.

Can we see hearts?
Can we see with eyes that God gives?

Embrace someone who offends.

Know that not all are willing to receive.

And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you.
Matthew 10:13

Giving love to someone who has never received it is the greatest gift we can offer. 

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.
Proverbs 10:12 


Friday, December 18, 2015

Heart Exchange

Jesus came for a heart exchange...ours for His.
He came to change the minds of the Pharisees and Sadducees. He came to make disciples of the 12.
But he came to breath value to women. Heal them, make them whole, tell them everything he knew about them.
He came to even the playing field. He came to apply 1 Samuel 16:7:

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”

The Genesis curse caused people to judge and discard or promote others by their looks, gender, class, religious discipline, etc.

Jesus came to connect His heart with people who were willing to receive and those that were desperate. He physically and emotionally touched women in a way that truly set them free. They knew after leaving his presence that they were valued and important.

On a personal note, one of my daughters wanted to know why China is having a shortage of workers. She wanted to know how they ended up with fewer women then men and why.
We talked about because the Chinese government was attempting to control population they limited families to one child. Because men are more valued in that country, the family would place females in orphanages and try again for a boy.
This really bothered her. If most of a country would discount women, then my own daughter questioned her value.

We then discussed that the leadership of China and many of the residents there do not know Jesus. True value can only be realized by being known by the Creator of the Universe and receiving that identity.

This, again, is where 1 Samuel 16:7 comes in.

Heavenly value is God seeing past what makes us individually unique and breaks through what we have in common with Him.
When we hold the heart of Jesus inside our shell, it catapults us past gender, color, sex, race.
The heart of Jesus contains all the components of His nature that we desire to be whole.
Value cannot be destroyed when we hold His heart.
Value isn't determined by our status as a son or daughter on Earth, single or married, positive or negative relationships.

It exists solely as a child of God.
This is how we enter the heavenly gates.
Humbly and securely...His.

The world has always been the same outside the Garden of Eden. Countries and governments existed to control and step over bounds.
Striving not to imitate God but to replace Him is how they thrived.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Most important ministry

What is our most important ministry?

Everyone has an opinion.

I believe the most important ministry is your relationship with Christ. Everything else flows from there.

Families will be reconciled and relationships made whole when we draw close to Jesus.

If we keep our eyes on Him everything else will fall into place.

Sometimes the things He asks us to do don't look like reconciliation. At times being obedient seems to set us far away from loved ones.

This is so our identity is set in Him and no one else.

Knowing who we are to Him and who He is to us is vital in the process.

Some may not understand this because they aren't walking in our skin. We have to stay close to Jesus to receive direction. Our story is unique.

Jesus does His Father's will before bending to answer direction from even His own family.

While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the man who told him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said. "Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
Matthew 12:46-50 (ESV)

But Jesus doesn't stop there. He shows us how His family is reconciled before sacrificing His life. Before He dies His mother and brothers come along His ministry. His mother was there when he died. His brother, James, converted from Judaism to Christian and even authored a book in the New Testament.

We know there was reconciliation in His earthly family.

Spiritual direction sometimes looks different than human understanding. But it always leads us back to reconciliation with Him and our families. It may just take a little while.

Good human counsel is important but advice from The Counselor is best.

Perseverance is key. Don't give up! Stay committed to the process.