Update on hair

After three days of short hair, this is what I've come up with.

Even though I've worked through not hiding from God, I still like the idea of hiding from people occasionally.

Long hair gave me security. It's feminine. People know me by my hair.

Some have walked passed me because they didn't recognize. Others are wide-eyed and compliment.

I'm not comfortable in my skin when I'm revealed. My hair was my cover.

My skin is not perfect, neither is my face but the distraction of an overabundance of curly hair allowed me to hide.

Who am I when I am striped?

Can I stand perfectly naked against the world, clothe in nothing but righteousness.

See me. Here I am. Like a newborn baby but reborn.

Judgement based on my heart and mind but not my clothes, hair, beauty.

Take it all!

Lord, take it all.

Leave me nothing but you.

Make me transparent.

Make me like you.

Hair

I got a haircut today.

A pixie. Not my first but definitely shorter than my norm.

I don't like it.

I was halfway through the cut before I remembered I had scheduled family pictures for Monday. I told myself and the hairdresser that it would be okay.

It's not okay.

She cut it and left it wet because that's what I normally do. I came home and took a shower and loaded up on product.

When it finally dried...it was like a helmet.

I know this but I did it anyway. I have very curly hair. It doesn't style like straight hair.

Why???

I normally can self-talk through most hair cuts but the looming family portrait in three days broke me.

I cried.

The only thing I can conclude on why I am so upset is the reminder of my kindergarten picture. My mother chopped my hair just before starting kindergarten. I thought I looked liked a boy. I hated it.

I also look old. There's no where to hide. I hate my curl this short. The list goes on.

I told myself to be strong; show your girls how to be strong no matter what you look like.

I can't.

I cancelled the pictures. I've been fat and skinny. Glasses and contacts. Dressed up and down. Nothing has affected me the way this has.

It's too close to my heart. It's the next hurdle to more freedom of my identity. Breaking my dependence on vanity.

It's taken years to come this far. I'm not there yet. But I've come so far.

The humility of our own humanity

The divisional line drawn in us is the divine and human.
To carry the Spirit in us is a privilege...light...joy.

It's easy to detest the human side.
The subtle reminders of pride and sin.
Occasional as we get closer to Jesus, possibly, but still intact.

Our humanity reminds us that we are not God.
In the 'human' moments, I hate I'm like I am.
But if I can calm down long enough to remember this is why I need Jesus, it makes for a humble place.
A place I can curl up in Daddy's lap and let him heal me.

To know there's more work to be done has become a norm.
It used to depress me.
The idea it will never be over was a forlorn thought.

Now, I go into fetal position and cry or scream or just be.

I might try to hide for a while but he is always there.

He always sees.

He always loves.

When I hide, my cave feels good for a while but like a true cave, we get hungry, thirsty and eager to see the sun.
I lick my wounds for a while, sometimes days or months.
Then, I see Him, in a song, in an article, in a Bible verse, and the tears flow.
I look back and I see He's never left.
Just waiting for me to reappear.

Satan will show us how to justify resentment or sin.
Today I was dealing with both.

Fun!

When we break before God, though, we see how He loves us and how He loves the world.
We can't hold onto the resentment or the sin when Love intercepts.

Wait!

We can choose to hang onto resentment and sin.

When we are ready to receive that Love, nothing can stand.

The muck

We're in wedding season.
The saddest, happiest, joyous, most excruciating adventure awaiting a large part of us in this world.

Attached to this is hope, expectations, emptiness, fullness.

The monogrammed towels every bride is hoping for is the highlight of the list. The focus is the china set. The wedding dress is on display for all to judge how she will step into her new role.

What we don't know about is the blood, sweat, tears, grit it will take to hang on.

The daily mess that ensues to hold it all together.

The children who start as wonderful, submissive, people-pleasing infants and toddlers turn into surly, snarly teenagers at times.

The heart that breaks over disagreements.

The grief over another day of not living the life you dreamed.

The feeling of being a second class citizen because of the sacrifices you've made for your family.

The lack of recognition.

The anger.

The hate.

The fear.

The love.

The passion.

The care.

All wrapped in one small beating rhythm that feels it might explode because of the range of emotions it keeps encompassed in its tiny walls.

The heart.

All choices to stay because of the commitment made to One.

Some days to decision to stay committed is higher than finding relief from the pain in running away.

This outweighs what towels will be in the guest bathroom or where to put the couch.

These commitments are heart wrenching at least and heart bursting at most.

Blurring the Lines

Sometimes the lines need to be blurred to have correction. We can't see the end yet because we're in the middle of the process.

The identity issues today appear to have negative connotations on society but I propose that in the end what was intended for evil will be good.

No, I don't want men using the bathroom next to my girls.
No, I don't want to worry about my four children growing up in a confused, sexually-charged society.

But, I have to believe that God has all this figured out.

We need a correction.
People are degraded, mishandled, abused.
We don't want to see it so we keep it under the Earth.
Covert.
Covered.

Out of this are the hurts that are protruding.
'See me. See my hurt disguised as displaying my false identity.'

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7

The lid is off. 
We are seeing the product of years of hurt and turning away. 
Not willing to look at the damage.
Now we have to see it.
We have no choice but to deal.

Love turns the tide.
Meet them.
Don't beat down an already downtrodden soul.
Get down on your knees and look them in the eye.
See them for what God made them to be.
Call out who they really are.

God sees the beginning, present and the end. 
His ways are not our ways.

Our job is to love.
To be filled with the same love that Jesus is filled with.
Love is the greatest weapon God gave the Earth.
Use it.
Ask for more.

Can we see hearts?
Can we see with eyes that God gives?

Embrace someone who offends.

Know that not all are willing to receive.

And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it, but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you.
Matthew 10:13

Giving love to someone who has never received it is the greatest gift we can offer. 

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.
Proverbs 10:12